Changes

I feel like I should blog, about something, about everything; but I also have been enjoying my privacy. I love this concept, love that I dont have to pick up a phone or have to constantly repeat any good news. However, living in a public eye with Cole and expressing every emotion, pain and minutes leading up to his death, I find the privacy factor always wanting to creep back in.

My life is in a better place now. I am happier, healthier and active. My children are thriving and confident. My relationships are growing and not centered around Cole any more. I feel like Im becoming myself again, the person I was before i ever met my ex-husband. Although I can never be the same, life experiences have changed that, I am on the path I need to be on.

I could have taken many roads after Cole died. I could have allowed certain thoughts to creep in, debilitate me in a sense. I could have given up, I could have allowed the depression to take over and win. Instead I forced myself, and I do mean literally forcing myself, to live in the moment. I was pregnant with Emma and had no choice. What I went through is not normal, does not settle well for any parent, and then to have to survive afterwards can be an imbearable thought. I will not say that road was easy; it was not. But here I am. I am fastly approaching six years from Cole's death and I can say I am now in a good spot. I am happy. I miss him, more than I will explain on a blog, but I cannot change what happened. All I can change is the future.

With that said, I reached the pivital point of ultimate healing. When Cole was dying, I wispered in his ear constantly. Every single thing I could think of, some important and some silly thoughts. But I wanted him to hear everything I had to say to him. One of them was how I will change my path. After a lot of hard work and of course studying, I had decided it was time to apply for Nursing school. In case you havent heard, the nursing program is impacted! Chances of getting in is very difficult and highly competitive. On Cole's birthday, Simon and I decided now was the time. I had my interview at Dominican University which was encouraging and exciting. I knew it would take some time to get into the program but I had to try. On November 1st I submitted my application, transcripts, essay and letters of recommendation. And then I just had to wait.... and wait. Im terrible at waiting! Finally, January 13th I received a call from the admission department congratulating me. I was in! Not only into the school, but my spot for the Nursing program was securred. I couldnt believe it. I found out later that the odds of being accepted on the first try was close to about 10%. I am so happy.

The nursing program will take 2.5 years full time. I am scheduled for entry the Fall 2011 class and will, at that point, go to school full time. No more work... although I believe going to school and working in the hospital for free a lot more work than I currently do now.

The path I am on now has been humbling. Cole continues his work as I continue my work here. We are not together in the flesh, but in spirit - always. Emma and Andrew watch from the side, observe these wonderful blessings and they too speak of Cole. Emma states Cole kisses her while she sleeps, Andrew believes that Cole's blankets help him have good dreams. I believe all of that is true. Cole's fleshly body helps science, his name and story helps raise money for The Leukemia Society, my voice helps keep his story alive and many others who are inspired by his will to survive make a difference. I am lucky.

I may not post much more after this. My story has changed and I am happy. I have moved on from what has happened and will do my best to help other parents as they worry over their children in a hospital bed. I will hopefully be that Nurse - the ones that I loved so much when they took care of Cole. I hope to give parents a small amount of relief from the constant fear that they will experience. I know to much, and I know to well what that world can do. I hope I can be a source of comfort as I had received the same.

Take care,
b

The idea of blogging has become a chore. Although simple in nature, the idea of writing about something.. anything... exhausts me. Perhaps it could be that I have a ton of homework and every assignment seems to be an 'essay'. Nonetheless, this is a great place to showcase the kiddos. So im back.

Currently in school, I have managed to continue my courses at night. I also just applied for Nursing School at Dominican University and patiently awaiting news if I am accepted. A dream that has been in the works for a very long time. On Cole's 5th anniversary of his death, Sam and I went to the University, took a tour, had an interview and left with encouragement. I received two amazing letters of recommendation and with hopefuly good news will arrive shortly.

Andrew just turned 3! He loves Spider Man and will cast his own web on anything he views in danger. Also, when he is mad, he will cast a web over your lips to keep you from talking. I try not to laugh, but he is so serious about his web skills. Not to mention, his sound effects are getting better by the web.

Emma will turn 5 on Christmas Eve. She loves 'handsome' boys . She also will let you know if you are handsome or not. She loves to dance and ride her bike. Basically she just wants to hurry up and be a big person. Constantly measuring her height, believes she grows on a nightly basis and is the happiest little love.

Below are some pictures that we had taken on Cole's anniversary of his death....

Jefferson Awards

After I realized my cousin posted my acceptance speech for the Jefferson Awards that perhaps I should post it too. I had not realized that it was on YouTube till yesterday. Always odd to see yourself on there.

Nonetheless, this honor I have recieved is truly due to all the work that everyone does in fighting Leukemia and fund raising for LLS. A lot of my friends are very active with LLS (Team in Training) and they too should be receiving this award.

So below is a link to my speech that I gave in Washington DC on June 12th. Keep in mind I was very surprised to receive this award and had to give a speech off the top of my head. This was a black tie event, 500 people in attendance, media, teleprompters, huge screens on either side of the stage and a massive amounts of light in your face. In the background on the stage are 15 members of the panel and they were presenters.

The money I speak of in the speech is due to the amounts raised on the two telethons that Cole was the honored guest and the episode dedicated to him. It is a collective amount.

I hope this will give more light and a connection to pediatric Leukemia...

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-DCTxfvDyQ

Im back... :)

So now I realized it has been two months and i thought perhaps I should write a few things. I thank you again for those who actually visit this site and read my nonsense. And honestly, most of what I say is silly, however, at times a few good things happen.

I will start off with the children.

**Emma** is 4 1/2 and now is acting like my little girlfriend. She is very interested in my life, what I used to like as a child and how did I grow to be so tall. She feels that if she eats her fruits she will grow and hopefully be as tall as me. So on a daily basis she comes up to me and stands on her tip toes to measure her nightly progress. I constantly remind her to not worry of such things but for some reason she wants to hurry up the process. She loves placing flowers in her hair, she must have her Dora sunglasses and she tends to carry a purse that generally has a stuffed animal squeezed into it. Every animal has a name or two since she cannot make up her mind at times. But they all have "feelings" and they express them when she sees fit. Emma, as stated this weekend, is a "traveller" and she will happily describe her past travels to you. She tells me that she does not enjoy the airport but that on the plane if you ask nicely the flight attendant will always give you chocolate. And they did! She asked every single one while tilting her head and batting her eyes. She scored chocolate.. but would not share. While in Mexico, Emma was quite popular at Club Med. Generally the girl receives a lot of attention, and this vacation was no different. The boy's that work at CB called GO's would see Emma and would run up and kiss her. She just laughed and said.. fine.. ok.. I will give you a Beso. She was busy the entire day since they plan out fun activities. Her favorites on the trip would be the Circus School, Pinata Party, the three pools, dance class, face painting and her strawberry margarita's by the pool. Oh yes.. she thought she was drinking alcohol. And for me, my proudest moment of Emma was watching her sing "My little Pony" to a crowd of 200 people at the talent show night! She sang in a microphone and did her best.

**Andrew** is quickly creeping upon his 3rd birthday and is my sweet little love. He has truly blossomed this year and continues to amaze me at his transformation of toddler to little boy. Andy is very sensitive and loving. His manners (for a 2 year old) are amazing and everything is always please and thank you. He doesn't say "yea" he will say "yes momma" and will do his best to describe to you what he needs. I believe his vocabulary is above average for his age and I am thankful for his wonderful preschool for aiding in this while I am not there. Another benefit is both of the children speak Spanish. At their preschool they do not speak English. So while in Mexico the children comprehend what was being said, even if they could not always reply in Spanish. At times Emma would translate for me. Andrew is very into his toys now. He chooses anything item that has to do with a boat, cars, trucks or animals. Perhaps a biting Snake, or a boat that would run over a shark. Anything destructive such as this is his favorite thing. He loved Mexico as well and befriended 3 other boys his age. They were very cute and bonded that whole week. My proud moment of Andy was when it was his turn at the talent show and he bopped up and down to some hip hop song. The GO's placed a bandanna on his head and wrote the words "hip hop" on his cheeks. He was a tiny Mexican gangster and it was hilarious!

On a personal level both Sam and I are doing wonderful. We just love each others company and that truly goes a long way for us. We both have our own hobbies, but our fundamental ideas are very similar and we are enjoying this on a daily basis.

About three weeks ago I had taken a women's sailing seminar that last the entire weekend. It was quite fun going out on the bay but actually taking control of the sails and truly doing the grunt work. Im so used to just sitting at the back of Sam's boat and soaking in the sun while all the boys pull in lines, etc. now I have no reason to not help.. well in moderation. :)

So besides going to Mexico for 8 days, 5 days upon our return I was off to Washington DC to attend the Jefferson Awards national award ceremony. My girlfriend Gina joined me (thank you!!) as we had a very long itinerary for the Awards and trying to squeeze in sightseeing, sleeping and drinking. Not quite in that order.. but there was a lot to do in 4 days. Since the ceremonies were amazing and long in detail I will not write about them. But as I am sure you already know.. I was presented a National Jefferson Award. I was very surprised by this honor! It was a very moving and touching event that has given me a great honor in the name of Cole.

Take care,

brandy

finally..

Hello,

I must say thank you to those who continue to read this site. I barely blog, and for that, barely anything interesting. So thank you for checking in on us.

Much has happened since my last post. Mainly daily routine, weekend trips, etcs. but it feels like days go rushing by.

Emma- Now officially my "big girl" (her words) is doing well. Very independant and determined, she loves life and living large. On a daily basis she asks when she will start school, when will she have homework, etc. I continue to ask her to slow down and not grow up so fast. She just laughs at me and says I am the silly one. Her hair is growing and now the length is in the middle of her back. However... her bangs? Well one day when I was cooking dinner she comes running into the kitchen and yells out "I am gorgeous". I screamed. She cut her bangs literally to the roots. So she looked a bit funny.. but she was proud. She also has changed her name many times, but as of today, she is Baby Bird. She will tweet for you if you ask and I love that about her. I purchased two learning CD's for the computer and everyday for 20 minutes she plays them. I see her trying to read and she loves to type her name. I love it too. She is also very curious about Cole. She asks me a lot of questions, and although at times its hard for me to answer them, I do give her the truth. Sadly, she even asked me if her big brother was in pain. I told her yes and she said it hurt her heart to hear that. She loves her brothers.. even if she never met her older one. Another wonderful thing is she is my interpreter with Andrew. Poor drew.. sometimes I cannot understand what he is saying and Emma always knows. So Emma will speak for her brother and Andrew just smiles and says "yes sissy". It works great in both ways.

Andrew - My sweet little boy. I must start with that line since he is truly 2.5 years old and we are knee deep in the "terrible two's". He is quite moody and will throw his body on the floor and kick his legs if you do not deliver the apple juice fast enough! Uggh.. he works me. On the flip side, he is so incredibly loving and gentle. He loves his cuddles, he loves his books and most of all he loves his animals. Snakes, frogs, lizards.. anything creepy he is all over it. Very much a boy and I must say I love watching him. Andrew sleeps in his big bed now (twin size) and has a sail boat quilt which he loves. He talks a lot about boats, trucks and motorcycles. Thankfully he loves boats since we spend a lot of time on Sam's sailboat. Andrew is doing well in preschool. He is learning his ABC's and sings them a lot. We are also trying to teach him how to ride his big boy bike.. but that is another story. I purchased him a tiny two wheeler with training wheels. The funny thing was it is a Tony Hawk bike that came with all these extra "stunt" pieces. What 2 year old is going to do stunt tricks on the front tires? I have no clue why I bought that one.. but it did have hand brakes on it.. even if he cant even reach them. Nonetheless, Andrew said his bike is "cool". So I was a good mom for buying it. :)

Sam and I just hit our 2 year anniversary. Doing well, we are quite happy with our lives together and things seem to be falling into place. A healthy relationship that seems to work. Im glad about that. We have been staying busy and active. We went skiing quite a few times this season, sailing every other weekend, and social activities sqeezed in when we can. At the end of May we leave for Ixtapa, Mexico. We are taking the kids.. and we all are so very excited.

I have also been in school this past semester. Taking two courses and planning for two more in the summer semester. I actually enjoy these classes. Perhaps because I know its bringing me one step closer to applying for the nursing program. Yah!

I also had the priviledge of finally meeting my cousins twins. They were born at 24 weeks (micro preemies) and now are 1 year and 5 months old. Sweet little loves! I loved my visit, even though short, It was fun to see my cousin Hava, Bianca, Aunt Lisa and little Derby and Loen.

Take care,

Brandy

Pizza Pie and Frency Fry

Over Valentines weekend we took the kids and stayed at The Resort at Squaw. Nevermind the Weather Channel warning us of blizards, and lets not forget CalTrans constantly announcing chains are required even on 4 wheel drive and snow tires. Nonetheless we gather the children and drive into the eye of the storm. What would have taken 3.5 hours to arrive, ended up being 9 hours one way. The kids were amazing and they handled it well. Thankfully we brought 9 movies in the car, 1 gallon of milk, bag of fruit and cookies.

Once we were at the Resort Emma went into ski school while Sam and I skied in the freaking blizzard. I had hired a nanny for Andrew and our day was set.

I hate blizzards. I hate skiing in them. Can you tell where this is going? I had the worst day on the mountain. I complained nonstop. Meanwhile Sam was loving the conditions, having me ignore the double diamond (skull and crossbone!!) signs and persuading me to ski down such conditions. Did I mention there was a blizzard? I couldnt see a thing. I fell at every turn. There was so much powder that at times I couldnt see my skis and the snow was up to the top of my boot. I looked ridiculous. Obviously I am not over it.

On to Emma. She had a great day on the slopes! I received a report card from her instructor which stated all her new steps, accomplishments, etc. And the catchy phrases of Pizza Pie and French Fry. If someone taught me to ski with those terms I may have had a better day. But for Emma her fun was truly focused on her French ski instructor. Very thick accent... and you got a 4 year old in love.

Andrew had a great day with the nanny. They played in the snow and he received many cuddles.

Overall it was fun weekend and we had a great time with the kids. Although Sam now thinks I ski like crap. :)

About time I post something....

Im always amazed when I see that people still visit my site. Thanks for checking in on us... although I hardly ever post.

So it's been one month since we came back from England and yet it feels like an eternity. The weather in SF the past month has been very spring like (until today!) and we have been doing our best to enjoy every moment. Been to the beach a few times, visited the California Academy of Science (in SF), gone skiing in Tahoe, been to a few parties, a very fun bridal shower for Lea, friends over for dinner and a very fun game night. So we have been busy..

Emma and Andrew continue to grow quickly and amaze me almost on a daily basis. Emma is very much into her signing and dancing. Her gymnastics is also on her mind as she tumbles throughout the house and constantly asks me to watch her. Andrew is very much following in suit and although he throws in some playing sessions with his toy cars, he will glady have a tea party with Emma and all her dolls. And when I dropped him off at daycare today.. he brought along a girl baby doll. Its sweet.. but I shall not remind him later on his wedding day. :) Both are very loving and considerate. They are always watching out for me and making sure that I am ok. Andy says "I hold me" which means for me to hold him and he will burry his head into my chest and sit all morning. Emma wants my kisses, but she will move throughout the house and daydream whatever she is into at the moment.

Now to my sore subject... child support. Since I do not advertise this site I dont mind talking about it. After waiting for over a year for any funds from Keith I finally received a court order that Keith is to pay me monthly. Hmmm... have I received anything? Nope. So I continue to wait while my case enforcer continues to watch his SSN number for any jobs that post. There are a few pings and from there they already sent out the wage garnishments. I am beyond disgusted that anyone not pay their childsupport and will allow the one parent to take on the full financial burden. Its a broken record.. I complain a lot about this.. but I have had enough.

Sam and I are doing great. We definitely have our routine now and its working. Kids love him and we feel very much a family together. Our 2nd year anniversary is approaching in April.. time flew.

So we have our summer holiday planned.. Mexico (Club Med) and are taking the kiddos. So once again Im on the stupid weight watchers. Arent I always on it?? So Its been a month and I have lost 4 pounds. Its the slowest process for me.. but the image of the bathing suit and my body keeps making me cringe. So I diet.. and diet.. Im definitely not knocking on weight watchers.. I have lost 31 pounds since Andrews birth and have kept it off. I just have a goal of 15 more pounds and I will reach my personal target. Just seems to take a while.

Hope everyone is well..
b